drug addiction

i used to have a gun and i had it in my mouth a couple of times. but i didn't want my daughter to find the mess. it would have been terrible for her. where i'm sitting here now is where i tried to commit suicide two years ago. i just thought overdose is the simplest thing. i have such a high constitution, it's very hard to kill me with drugs apparently. these are all my dead animals. it's eight of them by now. her death taught me how to cry. because i could never cry before. it's not that i didn't want to cry. i couldn't cry.

because i don't have tear ducts. so as a kid, if i cried, all i did was pull a funny face. and people would laugh at me. so it was easy to just stuff the emotion. but when she died i did cry. and i have been crying ever since. my whole life i thought was a facade. i didn't even know who the fuck i was. i have build up this whole persona build around using.

even when i was a succesful fashion photographer, all my editors knew i was an addict. as long as i brought the pictures back they didn't care. i come here every summer with my daughter and my grandchildren. we get a picknick lunch. we get a rowing boat and i row them around to the weeping willows. and we park under a tree and we have lunch. and we talk about life. where we are in it. now i think they're old enough to row me around the lake. i just had a fear of the outside world. i didn't trust anybody.

so for 14 years i disappeared. you were just at your home? yeah. if you needed food? how did you manage to get food? i ordered it. and social contact? i didn't have any. no girlfriend? - no. the daughter?

very rarely. if i lived in regret i would never get any better. i wouldn't get ... ... further. i'd just be thinking about the past all the time. and the past is what's made me today - whatever that may be. what do you think it is? what my life is? being a better person, being a better human being.

being more caring, being more loving. and realizing that my life is not 100 % about me anymore. it's kind of reminiscent of my life: one minute i'm up, next minute i'm down. i'm up again, i'm down again.