addiction recovery

you know, i wassurrendered to the fact that i was going to be aheroin addict and a junkie. mom? and that's all i was. and there wasnothing more to me. i think she's in here. and i was ok withthat at that moment. mom, open the door! let us in!

we want to see if you're ok. please, open the door! are you ok? mom! i decided that mykids would probably be better off without me. i knew that they couldn'tsee me like that. and i couldn't keepdoing that to them. please!

open it! that was what made me shiftand ask my mom to take my kids. fast forward alittle bit, or just during this time period,me and my boyfriend were living out ofmy car at the time. we did anything and everythingto feed the addiction. i remember just thinkingin my head, "when is this going to be over? when is this going to be over?"

but i also was saying,"i need to do this so i can get my drugs andstay with my boyfriend." i remember just somethinginside of me breaking. we'd pull off theseside roads and try to make sure nobodywould find us. i knew it was overin that moment. i do remember feelinga sense of relief because i knew i didn't wantto live that life anymore. but i didn't knowhow to get out of it.

i just remember tossing andturning in that little cell, wanting to get out. and i remember being so sick. i mean, it was horrible. and i felt so unworthy of god'slove--that he would even be willing or wanting to take thetime to talk to somebody like me. personal revelation andprayer and meditation just seemed so foreign to me.

but i remembered--how i grewup all came flooding back. and primary songscame flooding back. "heavenly father,are you really there? and do you hear and answerev'ry child's prayer?" and that was the firstprayer that i ever uttered in recovery. it was a song. i think sometimes we think,"oh, our prayers have to look a certain way, or theyhave to be formal,

or have to be--kneeldown in all gratitude." and don't get mewrong--i'm--gratitude is important. but he wants to hear ourthoughts and our feelings. and he wants us to beauthentic and be ourselves. and sometimes i might havesome anger, and that's ok. and the lord can take it. if he can't, who can? and that's whatstep 11 is for me,

and it is a maintenance step. it's something that ihave to continue to do. but now it's something that iuse every day--i have to use every day. it's my lifeline. it's the blood of my existence,of my recovery today. i have since gottenmy kids back. they get to learn thoseprimary songs that i learned. and i want them to always havethat foundation that i had.

and i get to put themto bed every night and tuck them in andkiss them good night and tell them i lovethem and that i'll be there in the morning. and that is a gift from recoveryand from working these steps.