addiction treatment

hi on this video i'm going to talkabout the number one question that i repeatedly get asked which is how do youheal from love addiction so stay tuned welcome to the new love addiction i'malan robarge a relationship coach a psychotherapist and i thinkyou for joining me we're gonna talk about many things today this is one ofthe first videos that i've ever created i created a couple videos about sixmonths ago and the reason for the large gap between the videos is that i havediscovered despite some online training and purchasing equipment and figuringout everything that i do need to line up to make happen in fact that videos arerather challenging and one reason why

they're challenging it's because i justhave to keep talking and talking to a camera and i'm not interacting with aperson my strengths and what i do best is as a psychotherapist i am paid to bein a relationship and it's that foundational clients therapistsrelationship that is is my effectiveness or shows that brings the effectivenessof what i do so creating a video is rather challengingbecause i'm basically just speaking to my phone that's on record so the reasonwhy i am sharing this with you is that i have attempted in the past to createvideos that are polished and organized and i have all these you can't see mytable right now but little pieces of

paper and post it notes strewneverywhere and attempting and trying to like map out what i'm going to say andit's just really hard to organize all the information so i live in center cityphiladelphia it's a very vibrant downtown area the reason why i'm lettingyou know this is because sirens ambulance could go buy one time every sooften there is a small group of people who played drums and they sound like amarching band so on this video might have a marching band i'm trying todispel mostly from myself a belief that the video needs to be polished andtotally organized i hope that it makes sense i hope the content is helpful andthis is not just one video i plan on

video making videos on a regular basisand sharing a bunch of ideas so this in many ways as a beginner video a lengthyfoundation for what we're doing so i have created a group online mostlythrough facebook called the new love addiction and love addiction is verymuch linked to codependency they have similar crossover a fax i have createdas i said two other videos and they're a bit more educational and trying toexplain the origins of love addiction which i will not go into as much herebut it is important for anyone who hasn't seen those videos is that overthe years due to research related to the functioning of the brain the weatherwhat is the interpersonal neurobiology

of relationships specifically aroundattachment theory attachments styles and how people create relationships and it'sbecause of that information that there was an awareness of how we can becometraumatized and living with trauma in the brain it could be similar to level of ptsdthere's a bit of a range when it comes to talking about trauma but essentially me there's in the last twentytwenty-five years a lot of information about emotional developmental trauma andhow that impacts how we bond and crew and create relationship with anotherperson so this emotional developmental

trauma can influence a person's sense ofself their belief systems their outlooks and influence their brain functioningaround intimacy so that intimacy itself emotional connection can serve as atrigger and for people who have insecure attachment style and some historyinsecure attachment which the simplest way of saying that is to be to have beenneglected ignored or it could be much more extreme over abuse as well as inthe form of abandonment but it could also be very sad all rather subtle nonemotional interaction even though you're part of a family and their familymembers who are around you who are very loving so these experiences set up ourbrain chemistry in such a way that

there's research that has identifiedsome key characteristics that we can group into what i refer to as attachmentstyles and for some people who have this emotional developmental trauma that getstriggered with in insecure insecure attached relationships there is a wholehost of behaviour and symptoms and consequence of how a personperceives reality perceive themselves perceives a partner and is relating inrelationship these symptoms and behaviors are what is more commonlyknown as love addiction so i although i'm using the word love addiction i'mnot a big fan of the word love addiction because we're not talking about thediction we're talking about emotional

developmental trauma and really lookingat foundational attachment styles which when i say technology explain what thatis an attachment style is your brain is mapped coded based upon it inherited atemplate from you are mostly your mother we could say the the the clunkypsychobabble word is the primary caregiver so you inherit this templateand through research they've identified that there's actually four very distinctattachment styles that come with certain presentations and ways of behaving inand relating being in a relationship so i'm not gonna reviewer go over the forattachment the different styles and this moment for the sake of this video so ihave this this online group there it's

in facebook and it's a discussion groupthere is currently there's a good number of members its i think around 1,800people so it's it's somewhat a large group and in this group we arediscussing attachment styles attachment injuries healing emotional developmentaltrauma and also how this is created or comesfrom a dysfunctional family systems so love addiction is not about addictionthe way we once thought that it was there are certainly addictive processesgoing on in a person's brain however the underlying driver the origin of wherethis is coming from has to do with how your brain is beingstimulated and acting out old patterns

of relationship that provoke certainlevels of anxiety and responses of fear so in this group and with which istitled the new love addiction i'm beginning to put together a whole seriesof information to begin to distilled down how exactly do we heal fromattachment injuries this simple answer is that it's not a simple answer howeverwhat i will say is you need we need to focus on emotional a two-minute which iknow sounds a little clunky and might not make sense another way of saying it which makes iteven more more clunky the official praised is called limbic residents andwe're talking about how the brain

creates a sense of shared back and forthemotional harmony and connection with another person and when this happensthrough responding and being responded to this back and forth give-and-takeexchange change when there is a openness ofemotional availability by two people could be partners in relationship couldbe with family members could be with friends our body our brain or nervous system isdesigned to light up and to respond in a way that releases other hormones andchemicals in our brains which allow us to feel a sense of belonging and livingwith the sense of ease when we do not

have emotional attunement limbicresonance emotional harmony emotional responsiveness through connecting withanother person when we do not have this then the opposite of acres of feeling asense of belonging and safety in fact we feel can country a sense of panic canfeel fear a deep emptiness longing to be connected and a need to seek out othersin such a way that we are driven by a compulsion to make that happen and inits not compulsion which is where before the research of interpersonalneurobiology and before the research of really understanding trauma and thebrain there was just so much focus on this aspect of the compulsion and that'swhere the name came from is that the the

twelve-step communities originallythrough you know pick any addiction that will start with you know alcoholaddiction so twelve-step community is a and and other type of you knowaddictions communities we're really looking at these behaviors and sayingwell it looks like addiction it must be addiction and what is going on wenoticed these symptoms and behaviors coming up in relationship to people whoare addicts and so naturally the communitywanted to name what is going on and the phrase love addiction was bornoriginally there there was talk of you knows more referred to as a co addict

than it was referred to as an enablerthen it was also referred to as co dependence and then at some point thephrase love addiction came along and because the twelve-step community isbased upon addiction and looking at addiction they are going to use theirown language they are going to see the world through the lens of addiction andtry to use their addiction language to make sense and explain everything that'sgoing on so that's that's why i love addiction is so steeped in the samelanguage of talking about sobriety and withdrawal and bottom-line behaviors andthe approach there is such thing as a 12 step group for love addiction is thatthere's this this whole ideology built

around treating addiction whichhistorically has been helpful as far as the content so there's a lot of respectto the original we we give a lot of respect to the original grassrootspioneers who were really able to put their finger put the magnifying glass onsomething is going on here and relationships however as i've already said we wouldn'ttreat trauma by using an approach for treating addiction those are just two separate things sothat's the nature of that's the premise of this group the new love addiction isthe word new

do the whole idea of like what's newabout it is to create this shift and and to be honest with you it's not veryrevolutionary i have not you know i'm i'm not a pioneer in the sense that ihave not you know come up with a sore created this the truth is the addictionscommunity that has for many years already adopted an integrated someone somuch you agree you know integrated in awareness of really understandingemotional developmental trauma and attachment injuries however thatinformation has not caught up with the communities themselves the localcommunities the grassroots communities they're still operating from a place ofrelating to an addiction when in fact

what were relating to is an attachment injury so i'm gonna take a break in takea drink or coffee when i'm so that's that's what isn't what i mean by theword the new love addiction as opposed to the old love addiction i'm attemptingto place the focus on what is this new information so as far as the word how dowe heal this that's gonna be what the series of the videos are that are comingup i want to share an idea to jump right in with the idea of how and to begin tolet's just envision a triangle envision you know obviously there's three partstriangle and i want you to think about thoughts feelings and actions and so ifwe could on each end of the triangle we

have thoughts feelings actions you canput them in any order anywhere it doesn't matter but the categories ofthoughts feelings and action can really begin to set a framework and inform howwe begin to think inc about healing path healing skillsskills healing approaches because it's different for each person depending onthe relationship between thoughts feelings and actions so there are anumber of psychotherapeutic models that value and approach healing from thepoint of view of focusing on thoughts and then there are a set ofpsychotherapeutic no doubt he's and techniques that value and focus onfeelings and working with feelings and

then lastly it's the exact same thingfor actions and behaviors there are certain modalities and techniques andways of focusing stealing attention on looking at behaviors and addressing ouractions so although those do not necessarily have to be at odds sometimesdepending on what we are information that we're using is gonnacreate a different focus and depending on you as an individual person as far aswhat is going on for you will determine a kind of foundational prerequisitessets i determining direction to a to answer the question how do i heal fromattachment injuries because it's going to be sometimes similar but also couldbe wildly different for for many

different people so we're trying to honein on are you taking approach of looking at your cognitions and you're thinkingand how you are working with your mind through consciousness and thinking arewe working with your felt sense in your body your feelings your emotion ins or are we looking at your behaviourin your actions either consciously and purposefully directing some actions ormore big picture just observing how you show up in this world and what are thebehaviors that are reinforcing these old patterns he's old relationship patternsso the first thing to begin to look at how do we heal from attacks by injuriesi want you to start thinking in terms of

thoughts feelings and actions thosethree are connected they are not separate and we want to begin to thinkabout congruence and congruence means how dothese fit together how do these complement each other how are these inrelationship to each other so do my thoughts and my actions are my thoughtsand actions congruent with my feelings am i saying what i'm doing the thephrase you know walk the walk and talk the talk that is a statement ofcongruence we need to be able to find the relationship between these threeareas in a way it's a kind of assessment tool because when i look at a situationi look at my thought i look at how i am

feeling in that situation i look at thatmy behavior and response what you're going to notice with attachment injuriesare the incongruence is and i'll give you a more practical example or orhopefully this will open it up a little bit when there is an attachment injurypresent person in relationship will experience certain levels of preoccupiedthinking or anxiety or intense the year that is not merited or congruent withthe current situation so for a person in relationship to the reality gets skeweda little bit the reality reality of how i'm showing up in a relationship will bedistorted because of my brain is perceiving a kind of threat to theattachment system which is why i have

this intrusive preoccupied thinking andwhy i have anxiety and i can begin to identify what is actually happening inthis moment and does it merit this level of concern and questioning and anxietythat's showing up in my relationship and usually you know the for anyone whoexperiences some form of love addiction and living with you know different typesof insecure attachment you the people who know this experience they're goingto know what i'm talking about so we're beginning to identify when there's thesecond group when there's this entry growing see when the thoughts feelingsof actions do not line up and are not matching up that's good

diagnosis diagnostic information that isgood assessment information because the path to healing is beginning to shift ortweak or change the degree of the in congrats so initially we might not beable to make it better and you know get rid of it right away but we can start todo certain things that are going to close that gap are going to bring thingsmore into focus in such a way so that there is a consistent relationshipbetween those three areas thoughts feelings and actions this is a lot ofinformation isn't it i think for today would have been aclose with and i'm gonna bring it full circle to talk about making videos againis that my challenges that this

information has some dents and it cansound boring or sound educational and i quite honestly i'm not an educator i'mnot a professor i'm not a teacher that is not my strong suit which as i saidearlier my strong suit is being in relationship with people and and have agiven taken and play back and forth and in this situation making the videostrying to just begin to create a foundation it it's it just feels soheavy and what i'm hoping is that over time the video will improve the skillsmy skill level for making the video will improve with regards to showing a littlebit more of my personality and being able to laugh and joke and talk morecasually to talking to my phone

you know which is very weird i'm in myapartment talking to the folks so what i'm hoping is that i will really be beable to get to a place of a bit more conversational tone where this doesn'thave to sound so obtuse or difficult to access so i'm just my sympathies to youplease bear with me as as i figure out a way to talk about this that is a bitmore accessible lastly what i want to name and if you're in the new levelgroup on facebook and feel free if you're seeing it for the first time inthis interests you if you want to join the group please do it's facebook.comforward slash groups for it / the new love addiction and i guess how couldsomething there so i create content that

shared sometimes article sometime pic quotes or memes that get that getthrown around and people can talk about and there's one in particular havecreated and i'm calling it you know the eight areas to focus of how to heal fromlove addiction and if perhaps you're watching this year the group you haveseen this before but we haven't really addressed that i address themindividually but not collectively so for this group i have on my list and and iread it to you but the way that i think of identifying how to heal attachmentinjuries and essentially how to heal from love addiction is to healattachment trauma and so what that means

is an educational foundationalunderstanding of what the heck is trauma what is emotional trauma what is coverttrauma what is over trauma what is incident specific trauma there's aneducational piece here as far as knowing and understanding what exactly is traumaand how does it impact the brain and when you understand when you start to beaware of working with trauma triggers and trauma in the brain there's so much wonderful information ofhow to work with your body how to work with the celt sense experience in yourbody of the symptoms that come from trauma the three main categories ofsymptoms that that come with trauma i

think of them as the worst tech hic ageis for hyper arousal eyes for intrusion your mind cannot create some boundaryyou just get you know like intrusive thoughts and then the sea meansconstruction and in a way it's a kind of the opposite of intrusion it's a kind ofdissociation and shutting down the end up pulling back and i think my previousvideo the video i made six months ago there there's a lot of information onthere about you know looking at trauma but incident specific trauma and and over covert trauma and developmentalemotional trauma so these eight areas of

healing i'm identifying is attachmenttrauma be able to focus on attachment trauma know what it is and educateyourself and learn some skills for healing attachment trauma trauma thenext area of how were impacted when we have a history of insecure attachmentthat shows up in the symptoms and behaviors we call love addiction thenext one is called boundaries and sense of self so for anyone who has insecureattachment style and some history of being ignored neglected abandoned orabused when you were not seen known heard or understood in such a way thatthat has impacted how you create relationships as an adult

this is going to carry over into someconfusion around boundaries and this is gonna carry over into some confusionaround your sense of self and your sense of worth so to answer the originalquestion how do i heal attacks from love addiction how do i hear from you knowattachment injuries and and insecure attachment styles we need to look atboundaries we need to look at our relationship to our sense of selfanother way of phrasing that is called the development of the south were reallytaking a bird's eye view a big-picture view of what does it mean to go throughchildhood and develop a sense of self and how does that impact who we are asadults and how do we bring that into our

adult relationships so i'm gonna repeatthose two there's total of eight of them attachment trauma boundaries and a senseof self the next one's called family patterns in order to how do you heallove addiction is to look at family patterns to take a family systemsapproach to realize that the family is a system which means that it has its ownset of rules and beliefs and it is a mechanism the family system is amechanism it the system itself impacts each memberand there's a kind of collective group thang in the family and there are sharedfamily beliefs norms and rules that influence how a person develops andinfluences their attachment template for

how they relate how they createrelationships and their adult life so how do you heal from love addiction isbeing able to educate yourself on family systems and look at family patterns andmost likely for someone who has an insecure attachment style that meansthat you have come from or had some aspect of a dysfunctional family systemand so we're going to try to discern what does that actually mean what is adysfunctional family system and what are what is a healthy system look like sothat is the third area that i'm identifying where we need to focus if wewant to answer the question how do i heal from love addiction codependency

specifically attachment injuries thenext one is called emotional to meant i mentioned earlier the official title ofwhat's happening in the brain it's called limbic resonance in order torewire the brain to change the brain and to allow ourselves to how correctivemore i can't think of a word i'll take a drink of coffee here hold on thisemotional in my opinion this is the most important one in some ways i don't knowwhy i put it forth on the list if i'm ordering them according to importanceemotional tonight as the most important thing limbic residents it's about harmony itis an experience of a back and forth

given take exchange age of emotional warmth openness andavailability this is a skill this is a very nuanced skill and our nervoussystems are designed to engage and participate sometimes this is verbalsometimes it's not verbal sometimes it's true gesture and behavior other times itcould just be visually it could be you know the the look of the eyes you see animportant person a friend you see your partner and just being able to glance atsomeone in a loving supportive way that can activate the limbic system where youfeel sino heard understood it you would

feel a sense of warmth in connection sothe main number one foundational way to approach and began to change our taxpayment style into to begin to heal attachment injuries is to increase andimprove the number of experiences that we have around quality meaning full warmemotional attunement and for some of us we do not have people in our lives to dothis which that is the purpose of a therapist that is the purpose of someonehe's trained who is trained and trauma focused healing being able to undersomeone who understands attachment styles and attachment injuries it doesnot have to be a therapist it could doesn't have to be one person it couldbe a community i know people who they

join a choir of very involved lovinggroup of people in their choir and they say they see these people three times aweek because they're practicing and rehearsing and their car pooling in twodifferent places they they are they're having so much immersion in each others life and whenthere is a genuine interest and a genuine foundation of friendship thatenvironment of the repeated kind warm investment of friendshipthat's taking place that is serving as a corrective experience so it doesn't haveto be a therapist but you know oftentimes it's a really good placeholder really good example to use that's

emotional two men were going over theeight areas that eight things to focus on how to ask how to answer the questionhow do i heal from love addiction codependency and attacked her injuriesthe next one is addictive mind although i say love addiction is not based uponaddiction nonetheless there are processes going on in your mind that arethe same as addictive processes in general the mind is habituated we dothings very much of the habitual way and that's true when it comes to creatingrelationships and also repeating an acting out trauma so that's theaddictive my next record long and lonely miss an area to heal and area to focusis looking at what is your relationship

to longing and loneliness for manypeople who have a history of some kind of emotional neglect being ignored abandonment and abuse there is anongoing rather chronic intense relationship to longing until only arelonging for connection that we never had we experienced a rather profoundloneliness in our history in relationships must probably with familymembers however could also be in it with adults you know the people that we'vebeen in a relationship with a dog and this feeling of loneliness and thelonging to find connection can be experienced as a shameful absence ofpain

very painful emptiness so one way toheal and how we are able to undo this rapid repeating quality of being in arelationship is to really have to look at our loneliness have to work withlonging and be able to make sense of ok what is going on in my mind when i am inthose states of mind so i consider that to be its own very significant categoryof what we're working with here and there's a whole set of a whole set butthere's many ways we can begin to approach how do i heal from theintensity that long as as how long he has impacted my life so in this momenti'm almost i'm just realizing the time we're coming up on 40 minutes this iscrazy long video i very much apologized

in some ways in case you can't tell onthe big talker and sometimes it feels like i'm talking a lot at the same timei value this content i hope you value it to please bear with me in the futurehopefully i'll become so much more streamlined that i will be able to sharethis information with a little more precision but at least for now this sortof has a flavor of a long formal lecture so i apologize if it feels a little bitlonger almost done just two more out of the eight the next was called realitydistortion so how how do you heal from attachment injuries and that thesymptoms and behaviors that we identify is love addiction is to really look atwhat is reality and how when you were

living in a dysfunctional family systemand if you experienced insecure attachment with a primary caregiver veryimportant person usually you know apparent we had to learn we were trainedin such a way that we could not let in the reality that the people who love usare not connecting to us the way in which we need that there's a disconnectso this could be wildly confusing for the child and usually the child cannotconsciously make sense of this and what most children do and what this meanswhat most most of our minds do we don't you know consciously make this choice itjust happens the child figures out how to distort reality to normalize the factthat it is so painful and so isolating

and so disconnecting to be in the familysystem with people the words that i use with people who arethere but not there so the families there but there's some kind of absencethat's taking place i cannot as the child i cannot let in the pain and thehow frightening it is to realize that certain family members are there notthere so my brain has to normalize what's happening and in order to do thisit creates a reality distortion we will take that still if you will is called askill it's not you know it's not very helpful skill but we take this skill ofbeing able to distort reality around believing that people are connectingwith us on a much deeper level than they

actually are it can create a kind of misplacedloyalty a disproportionate amount of loyalty that could also show up as thatloyalty control as a kind of caregiving so a imbalanced misplaced level ofcaregiving for another person and we're doing we're doing that we engage in thatbehavior because it reinforces a distorted reality that the person thatwe are so bust owing the carrying on two is not reciprocating back at the samelevel and we cannot be honest that it's not coming back at the same level so thebrain just has to make sense either the brain it's a form of denial so realitiesdistortion is practicing an active

denial because as a child you can youknow show up generally you know you can but mostly you would be ostracized askedto leave the family most kids can not go into the family and say i'm excuse meeverybody i just realized that i'm being ignored and y'all gotta get your acttogether and starting this evening we're going to practice deeper levels ofemotional connection and openness and disclosure and i'm so looking forward tothis who is on board and the most likely the family's not going to know whatyou're talking about children don't have that consciousness children are unableto confront and the reason why the child can't confront the parent is becauseit's the fear of well the parents they

will know i can't do that i'm not goingto you know i'm very clearly not going to give you the emotional connection andsupport and the feeling of availability that you are looking for the childcannot confront that realization so therefore the brain comes up with waysto distort reality to have it all makes sense so that we can continue on in ourdevelopment as a child and ultimately survive you know sohopefully if you're watching us for a video you survive i'll say i survived soyou know it serves a purpose reality distortion serves a purpose here's the problem of this is why it'son the list for healing reality

distortion does not serve you anymore inyour daughter relationships because if you are coming into adult relationshipand you have a unconscious if you're not if you're not too you know you're notconscious saying i'm going to distort reality today it's just something thatyou're not actually doing this is going to be very much cue how you can read thetruth of the interaction that's taking place between you and a partner and mostlikely what you're going to do if you're going to overcompensate for the otherfor the for the other person's lack of investment i'm here so that means youwere trained yet have you you are trained in your family system to have avery high tolerance to go without

interaction are you were trained to havea very high tolerance to experience the absence of relating and your realitydistortion will make you think that that's normal and everything's fine andit's your job to continue on this level of overcompensation and to have amisplaced disproportionate level of loyalty to a person who's not reallythere or really connected to you in an emotionally open leg that's realitydistortion full-circle we're almost done the question how do i heal fromattachment injuries how do i heal from love addiction and codependency you haveto really understand reality distortion look back to thoughts feelings actionsreality distortions very much as related

to your thoughts cognitions and faultythinking and really looking at faulty thinkingand how number of beliefs we get into double binds so i double bind as you'redamned if you do damned if you don't a double bind as you're caught between arock and a hard place so reality distortion oftentimes culminates in arather stock paralysis because we're in a double bind and we don't know how toturn left how to turn right that's that's that's a bit there's there's awhole other information i can share around that which for the sake of thisvideo we're coming up on 45 minutes which isridiculous

hopefully you can just pause this youknow lots of different segments so if you're watching the whole thing throughwell then god love you you know thank you for doing that almost done the lastone shame and self-worth which also relates to the second one i saidboundaries and sense of self so the phrase self-worth is going to leak tothat of the development of the self but the result of of having been ignoredneglected abandoned abuse having not been seen or heard or understood andliving in a family system with people who are there but not there and so thatyou were trained to experience a sense of absence in relationship the parentwho does not acknowledge this the parent

who is unable to bring intoconsciousness that this is actually very hurtful to the child and most probably isay the sensitively and loving way to to all parents is that most probably theseparents had the same system passed down to them in their lives so i'm not goingdown the avenue of a kind of blame it's not about just pointing the fingerbut i am acknowledging it kind of a transmission of shame because when aparent is unable to acknowledge you to be aware that the child's emotionalneeds are being ignored or neglected quite honestly this you know let's calla spade a spade when this happens this is this is a form of abuse its emotionalabuse for some people they've also

occurred other levels of overt extremeabuse around physical abuse very i just i was like the word mast a very nastyabuse but even if it doesn't go into that flavor of what we would considerdomestic violence or something that's nasty when there's not an emotionalexchange taking place and the parent the word i stumbledupon i heard some mightremember where the word is tone death when the parent is tone deaf to thechild's needs this let the child feel that his or her needs do not matter and over time the childwill internalize that tus to believe will then i don't matter if my needsdon't matter than idle and for the

parent who does not pick up on thisabuse this emotional abuse that's taking place that the fact that it's happeningis a shame for the parent is unable to take responsibility for the unfortunatebyproduct of shame what's happening and that sheamus floating around in thefamily system the child internalized it the child minded brain sucks it up likea sponge and the child's sense of self in the development of the self be givethe child begins to to come into awareness thatthere must be something wrong with me because even my own parent doesn't wantto fully know me on a meaningful level as far as internally my dreams andaspirations and my preferences my likes

and dislikes and if i believe andexperience that knowing me emotionally doesn't matter overtime i'm going to internalise that idon't matter and if i dont matter im gonna have to cover up and hide thisfact and the way i'm going to keep it hidden and hide it is through the shameof not exposing it and this is a wicked system that just fuels and feeds itselfon top of itself shame reinforcing shame and overtime i'mgonna go off on a tangent here i'm so sorry i do apologize it is quick whathappens when this shame is so reinforced is that we develop a false self irealized that who i am is not being

engaged with with the sense of curiosityand direct inquisitiveness from my parents are from my other family membersand if i overtime realize these people are not actually engaging i'm gonna needto create a different kind of self makes and the child the brain on its own willsay well who i am i am is not working i'm not gettingemotional connection by just be me so i guess i better create a different kindof self a different presentation and i will figure out how to moore's myselfinto who you want me to be and as long as i can keep practicing be who you wantme to be then maybe because you like those qualities that i'm giving back toyou even though those qualities might

not be my you know what i would choosethis is going to reinforce the creation of a false self the challenge withliving in a false self as we can do it so long or we grew up having it soingrained in our psyche is that we don't know anything different so in fact myfall so i am my false self there's no distinct i mean what does that mean howcould i possibly be anything other than this manufactured self so to ask thequestion how do i heal attachment injuries and love addiction will we saywell you know we have to undo the creation of this false fake presentationof who you created yourself to be in order to discover the core foundationalthe course and a national i don't know i

don't like the phrase you know your trueself your authentic self because ultimately it's about who you'rebecoming and there's a transformative quality its creative it's very creativeit's always flowing so there's no such thing as a stagnant fixed true authenticself so i'm very sensitive to not use those words shame and self-worth that'sthe last 18 years late again here's a recap here is the end attachment traumaboundaries and sent to sell family patterns emotional two men addictivemind longing and loneliness reality distortion shame and self worth i did not know thisvideo is gonna take 53 minutes and 32

seconds thank you for listening i hopebut you can feel and sense i'm very passionate about this content thisinformation i am invested in this because this is my healing journey thisis my life and it just so happens to be my life's work they have all lined upand the phrase that i frequently use both with clients and just talking topeople about healing processes i used the phrase your healing as my healingbecause as i get a chance to share this on this video as i get a chance in thisnew love addiction group on facebook to hear other people's experience this isvery powerful and healing for me your healing is my healing and in closingagain check out the facebook group if

you want to join check out my websitealanrobarge.com you're watching this on youtube please subscribe to thisyoutube channel because i will have more videos up-and-coming and lastly this is a ashameless plug one reason why i'm doing this also is that i want to spread thenews and grow my business beyond philadelphia and how i'm doing that isworking through phone clients and doing video conferencing and i feel compelledi'll just say you know i'll share totaled my my complete intention ofwhat's happening here is i want to be a hundred percent mobile i want to takethis material i want to take this work

if i have enough more phone and videoconferencing client i want to travel the united states and perhaps great workshops createannual conference and really begin to share the news that you do not need tosuffer you do not need to get stuck into believing that you're in love with loveyou do not need to bang your head against the wall trying to treat anaddiction for something that's not an addiction my approach is a littledifferent from the old approach and this is why i'm calling it the new loveaddiction thank you for watching the next videosmy goal is to be not as long so